In the hope of saving a bit of time the next time Boris Johnson, the new Mayor of London, opens his mouth to change feet, I have taken the liberty of preparing him a ready-made apology sheet.
‘Comments I made on my recent visit to a mosque/temple/old peoples’ home/school for the blind/gay community group* have been widely reported in the media.
Obviously, my comments: have been taken out of context/are too highbrow for anyone without a classical education/were wilfully misunderstood by pesky left-wing pundits/are completely untrue and part of a conspiracy/were obviously a joke (viz pickaninnies and watermelon smiles).*
I apologise: unreservedly/although I can’t see the need/with my tongue firmly in my cheek/because David Cameron has told me to.*
This apology will be followed by: a conciliatory visit to the community in question, where I’ll clown about wearing a silly hat for the amusement of the Evening Standard/a vexed tousling of my hair/a bumbling press conference where I quote Pericles/an appearance on a quiz show.*
*Delete as appropriate.â€
Man uses computer for the first time.